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The first half of the season is complete. A few surprises, but the league is shaking out to be what we thought it would.
Reality is we all suck. We are just a bunch of recreational flag football players. Even me, but especially you. Yeah you. I have power to rank and predict because you gave it to me. I see the number of hits on this page. I'm basically Chuck Norris. Time to rank the victims!
1) GW Tire Service - They have one loss. They've beaten Elite and THOSE GUYS. What else is there to say? This used to be a second tier team that could occasionally beat the elite teams, but since they dumped me this team has consistently been a juggernaut. Health and age are always a factor, but when the health is good this team is great. Dan Sasso has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
2) Elite - They are certainly living up to their name. Outside of their one loss they have allowed an AVERAGE of 1 point a game in their 4 wins. Charlie had to play defense again. What can he not do? Charlie does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Charlie Klose.
3) Lions - FINALLY got something other than a softball. Did what the Bulldogs could not do by beating the previously unbeaten Saints. The defense is unreal and Prams is good enough not to mess shit up. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep at night he checks his closet for Matt Pramberger.
4) Saints - with a depleted roster the Saints showed the heart of a lion. to. the. Lions. Two nights ago Brandon's finger got slammed shut in a window, then during the game John WIlson's left hook roughing the passer destroyed the same finger. They will rebound. Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Brandon Feinstein has 72... and they're all poisonous.
5) Knights - I didn't watch much of their game against Dynasty, but every time I looked over at their field I saw them running the other way on defense. They caught as many passes on defense as they did on offense. Kenny Tarr can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
6) Average Joe's - held on, and I'm not kidding here, to beat a four man Suicide Squad. They are currently sitting here with a 4-1 record, but this has been because of softballs and good fortune smiling on their schedule. It don't be mattering doe because dey still winnin deez games. Robert Blaine is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
7) Blue Bulls - Used to be a time when Blue Bulls would have barely hung on to beat a team like exquisite. Now they do what good teams do and just handle their business when opportunity presents itself. Not sexy, but you can definitely bust a nut with the Blue Bulls. The Blue Bulls are not hung like horses...horses are hung like Blue Bulls.
8) Commission - Their game against HMC Mediocre was a study in missed opportunities. Drops by receivers up and down the field, in addition to two interceptions aggregating to 8 defensive points for HMC doomed the team to a four point loss. Not the outcome they were hoping for, but this loss doesn't kill them. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Joe Falkowski.
9) Irish - Not sure what happened here. Lost to a venom team that was scuffling for wins in the last few weeks. The offensive efforts by the Irish have been uneven at best. What has been pretty consistent has been the defense which will keep them in most games. I've heard Rich Wright doesn't take showers, he only takes blood baths.
10) Bulldogs - speaking of blood baths. Seems as though the Bulldogs had their collective heart pulled out of their collective chest in another substandard defensive performance against another elite offense. Once is an accident, twice is a coincidence. For their sake there better not be more coincidences. Ralph Heninger once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
11) Those Guys - for the record, I officially love these guys. I wanted to be petty and just go at them, but I cannot. They play hard, they play well, and they only give what they get. Played GW Tire Service and lost when the Overachievers made a mid-game adjustment that Those Guys could not overcome. Nicholas Alan once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Nicholas Alan won by 5.
12) KPC - after two consecutive losses the Tide finally gets back into the win column with a big win against the hapless Alter Ego. Kitten Pussy Crushers have a great team, a great name, and great guys. That is a lot of greatness. Imran Huq once ordered a Big Mac at Burger King and got it!
13) HMC Elite - Thank God for my defense, because my version of the Bruce Coast Offense blows. If not for 8 defensive points we would have lost to the Commission. I am literally becoming older, slower, and fatter before your eyes. I am suck. No cool facts other than I am not playing well.
14) Miami - well that was quite the statement. We played at the same time so I didn't see the game, so I am sad I missed all of the histrionics. While they may not know each other, they know that they have some real talent and ability on that team. Steve Daisy can drink a whole gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
15) Venom - Took a giant leap for mankind with a good win against the Irish. Maybe they had all of their players finally. Maybe they played hard. Maybe I don't know. What I do know is that they put their noses down and did the work necessary to get better. Alek Cehak once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
16) Exquisite - they are only on the list because they have given up the least amount of points of all the 2-3 teams. I things I know about Exquisite...okay someone let me know. Exquisite does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
17) You Gone Learn Today 18) Hardville 19) Raptors 20) Ravens 21) Dynasty 22) Ducks 23) Warriors 24) Falcons 25) Old Dogs 26) Suicide Squad 27) Spartans 28) Alter Ego